Beerhaze Dot Com

• It might be the beer… but my wife has never looked sexier than today when showing the Brazilian woman next-door how to use a snow shovel.
• I’m such a considerate lover that when I’m done with the foot rub, women always beg for a dirty spanking. And that’s how I earned my cape.
• When you don’t star one of my tweets, I tell myself that you are busy with real life, instead of hating me, and I feel better! Not really…
• My Irish-blood wife speaks and screams in French fluently which is really hot when I nibble one of her butt cheeks too hard.
• You love your wife, kids, dog and perhaps even your cat… so no, you don’t really love your new iPad, you shallow shit!
• I was going to see Lucky Luke, instead my brother and his girlfriend took me to Star Wars. It changed my life because she was a slut. (1977)

• My main strength as a lover is that I don’t lose girth when paying attention to you and the door where kids supposedly asleep might walk in.
• Ever stand in a park with a boomerang waiting for a flock of birds, and waiting for all kids to close their eyes at the same time? I have…
• A kid I coached in soccer waved at me in the grocery store. I looked offended… and the mom smacked that little shit disturber. Win!

• I don’t mean to brag but when I’m in the mood, I’m bigger than even a D battery!
• “Don’t trust a woman who doesn’t orgasm when tasting your decadent all-seafood Tom Yum Soup!” Thank you, grandma! R.I.P.
• If you haven’t gotten her drunk and shaved her legs when she passed out… You only think you have been “married for a long time.”
• A woman in a relationship who wants implants is in my opinion selfish in the way she doesn’t want her boobies bouncing floor to ceiling.
• I have never read the TL of a female on Twitter that wouldn’t love a spanking and messy oral from George Clooney. And a high-five from me.
• I own one pair of pajamas, and they are old… but a head easily fits through the fly – so, yeah, memories… I’m romantic like that.
• My baby boy is not well at all. Hurts my soul. Sleeping now… Thinking about baking him cinnamon rolls but I’m afraid I’ll start lactating.
• Our Golden knows my son is sick… Dog is staying by his side, not eating or drinking; just keeping him warm. Stupid. Freezing over here!
• My baby boy has a fever of 104 and now he wants to play chess! Yeah, obviously delirious… There’s no way he’s beating me today either.
• Wife and girls are skiing. I’m home with our feverish boy because I’m better at sitting around in my PJs all day and play Xbox between naps.

• Oh, no! Morgan Freeman died from a heart attack this morning. Never mind! It was just Tracy Morgan. Wait a sec… Nope! Nobody died today.

• Women do have a G-Spot! You can feel it with a finger or with your dick if done right. Reach it with your tongue – she’ll make you pancakes!
• In my dreams, I’m a stern principal in an all-girls school and all of you did something naughty. I swear to God – best dreams ever!
• I’m about to give my 6-year-old a bath… Before kids I used to give my wife a bath… And before wife I used to shower daily.
• My daughter’s yoga teacher is a 40-year-old woman with the body of a 19-year-old. Or a 19-year-old that moans like a 40-year-old. Hot!
• Slow dancing and always having to look down on girls is how I developed my scalp and boobs-mashed-in-to-my-stomach fetish.
• Looking for a playdate for my son. Anyone? He’s easygoing… He loves pentagrams, goat heads, human fat and only poops every 120 years.
• One of my daughter’s friends ‘came out’ today. I cried. Her only non-imbecile friend… Now she’ll end up marrying a knob. I just know it.
• Ladies, in my dreams tonight, your blonde, red, brown, gray, black, blue and green hair will smell like chamomile tea and chicken nuggets.
• Thanks for the BD greetings! Yes, I got lucky – I huddled under a blanket in the garage and nobody asked me for anything! It was beautiful.

• February 29: Now 44 years old… If I could get back all the money I spent on porn and commemorative plates – I would buy all of you a beer!

• Blah! Cameron Diaz is so much prettier with Ben Stiller’s cum in her hair. #Oscars
• Shut up! I’m cool… I’m only watching the #Oscars because I’m getting drunk and Renée Zellweger is supposed to fly in on her broomstick.
• #Oscars… Whenever Billy Crystal goes cross-eyed reading a teleprompter – I’ll have a shot, think of you and touch myself inappropriately.
• When my dog wants something from me, he just sits down and tilts his head. If my wife did the same, I would get a crazy amount of shit done.

• When you get to the cashier and find lice shampoo instead of your perfect avocados in the grocery cart. Yeah, that was me. Sorry.
• An old lady just delivered cookies as a thanks for helping her getting her car started. The cookies are amazing! No idea who she was though.
• A guy down the street is selling and asked me to ‘pleeeeease take down the Christmas lights’. Related: Just inflated our 30-foot Santa.

• Nurse followers! My son has an ingrown nail… I think I can MacGyver-it with my chef’s knife But if I mess up – will a doctor still fix it?

• I have now officially given my guitar to my daughter. However, keeping the custom case for when I need to out douche a douche at Starbucks.
• Missed paying for bananas at the grocery store. I haven’t felt guilt like this since accidentally walking out with 4 laptops from Costco.
• In the basement peering out the window. It’s beautiful – I haven’t seen a soul in over two hours! (Mail carriers don’t have souls, right?)
• The condom ‘broke’? What the hell did you do? I once threaded one over our 90-gallon aquarium without breaking it.

• I sure hope it’s the furnace behind me that whispered, “Turn around and I’ll eat your face! I dare you…” because I have to go pee soon.
• My dog groans every time I wash my balls… The vet said that he can’t possibly remember getting neutered. Also told me to find another vet.
• Nothing like carrying a warm bag of dog poop 3 miles and saluting your fellow bag carriers along the way.
• I often give my wife a back rub just to put her to sleep so that I can get to the leftover chicken wings first.

• Found some really old weed… Now, listening to Enya and imagining myself breastfeeding a glow-in-the-dark baby unicorn back to health.
• “Is the Tooth Fairy real?” No… “Is God real?” No… “Is Santa real?” Absolutely… “I love you, dad!” See? Parenting is not that hard.
• Ladies, when at Walmart and you are shocked to find that it smells like an angel received his wings in there – just me! Picking up tampons.
• I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores.
• Teen fashion? Bah! Every morning I get it right with: “I bet she’s going to wear something rejected by an early 80s Bulgarian prostitute.”

• Hug? Ok… Mash your boobs into me like I was the last man on Earth and just saved you out of burning palm tree on a deserted island! – Men
• I use as many of my allocated 140 Twittter characters as possible because I’m afraid that you will hate me if I don’t. Balls. Kittens. Shoe.
• My pharmacy has 7 strippers working cosmetics and ONE angry Polish lady that dispenses meds. Often, I just pick up lip gloss to feel better.
• “Mike, picture this: We’ll never again need to bring gifts of berries and squirrel carcasses in order to get laid…” – First gay caveman
• Ladies, both Steven Tyler and Sean Connery are over 3000 years old. Please, stop swooning – it’s gross.

• Ladies, both Steven Tyler and Sean Connery are over 3000 years old. Please, stop swooning – it’s gross.
• Getting +5 things pierced, and a tattoo, I also get a complimentary “Best dad, life-time achievement award foam tie.” I know… Awesome!
• Having my tongue, eyebrows, nose and bellybutton pierced, and a tattoo of Snoopy, just to steal some of my daughter’s rebellious thunder.
• My 6-year-old took an elbow to the head in today’s hockey game… I was livid! (He’s the only one that remembers the cable porn password.)

• I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.
• ‘Have sex with a woman that bench-presses more than me.’ (Not on my bucket list).
• I almost talked myself out of a parking ticket today; everything was going great until I complimented the cop on her cute little moustache.
• I’m too boastfull? Heck! I turned a catholic woman into a catholic woman that sleeps with a smile on her face… So, yeah, screw you!
• Ladies, I don’t mean to brag, but when I go down, I don’t come up until you pull my ears. What?! Whaaaaath?!
• My birthday – February 29th is coming up soon. I’m so excited! Instead of #FFs could you get together and buy toilet paper in bulk? Love U!

• Back in the 80s, when a guy reached around and played with your nipples when you stood at a urinal, it meant he had hair gel. I think.
• I filmed my wife giving birth to our son – the most beautiful thing you’ll see if you ignore the student nurse gagging in the background.
• Buried my Keurig coffee maker in the backyard this morning. Haven’t cried this much since I saw myself on video air guitaring Simple Minds.

• Hah ha! Beerhaze’s account has been sooooo hacked! I mean like shiny-bronze-gong-hacked! Screw you, you, you, you and jew. – Dalai Lama
• In my 20’s I got my ass kicked so bad, I didn’t know what planet I was on, and it was worth it! Stubbed my toe tonight – don’t get old…
• My wife’s birthday on Sunday: (1) Shower and shave? (2) Cut my toenails? (3) Make spicy crab cakes? (4) Pearl necklace? (5) All? Ladies?
• “OPEN THE DOOR, I NEED TO PISS! HURRY!” For God’s sake, dad, I’m on speaker with Jennifer! “…OPEN THE DOOR, I NEED TO TINKLE! HURRY!”
• Great news! I checked, and not only is it legal but you are ‘obliged’ to kick trick-or-treating 15-year-olds in the nuts at Halloween.

I have a big man crush on the character Patrick Jane in The Mentalist. How big? When he puckers his lips to sip tea, I do it too.

• I have never received a medal but I’m always good enough in bed for the lady to fetch me a cold beer and a piece of chicken afterwards.
• I bet the youth pastor following me doesn’t know that my kids easily create pentagrams out of pretty much anything and levitate since birth.

• The dangers of auto-erotic asphyxiation are pretty clear once you see my dog pulling on his leash for a chance to roll in deer shit.
• I think a lady hit on me today at Walmart because when I stood next to her, she placed a 3-pack of toothpaste in her shopping cart.

• Yes… I rush teens at the park at night while yelling, “Eigh! Eigh! Policia!” with the hopes that they will drop stuff when they scatter.
• High school: She had soft boobs and her name was Mariaaaaaaaaah and she kicked me in the glockenspiel in gym class. I will never forget her.
• I find it odd that my son’s teacher would like to see him skip grade one without knowing how horribly he screwed up when doing our taxes.

• Titties without succulent nipples would be like a world without bacon – pointless.
• If I met Jesus, I would totally let him blow me if he asked. God would see it and make me his sheriff… And then all haters would be sorry!
• When I’m funny enough to make the 100 leaderboard, I will stop blowing squirrels in the backyard, and instead do something with my life.
• Right now, my ball sack is so tight that if I shaved and polished it, I could see the reflection of the tears streaming down my face.
• Friends, please remember, when there is Twitter drama – there are also butterflies, fluffy puppies… chocolate… and beer. And beer.
• Tip: Don’t mess with black guys who have scars. You know they didn’t get them from falling off a skateboard.
• I have stumbled upon it on cable… but really, man-on-man would look more like an option if they both enjoyed the sports news – during.

• Having grown up with 70’s pornos, it wasn’t until my late teens that I realized that nuns don’t like to have filth yelled at them in German.
• To avoid scratches, I always cut my toenails before my wife and I hit the sack with her mint condition cardboard cut-out of George Clooney.
• I’ve been married for so long now that I only get morning wood when I wake up drunk, naked and confused by a trailer park bonfire.