2009 – December 10 (Chainsaw isn’t strong enough)

  • Realistic ad I would like to see: Your chainsaw isn’t strong enough to cut a frozen, dead hooker, in half? Well, ours is… Buy Husqvarna!
  • The perfect girlfriend is someone who is willing to do filthy disgusting things with you. Start looking for her in a Taco Bell restaurant…
  • You know that your dog is intelligent when another dog brings it a cookie, your dog will eat the cookie and instead of the other dog’s butt.
  • Women who write that they prefer German fetish porn to bass fishing have many more ‘compatibility’ matches on eHarmony.
  • Great names for boats: (1) My Amazing Hookers III. (2) Wife Murder I. (3) Crap I Sold On eBay V. (4) China Sweatshop II. (5) House Fire IV.
  • It seems to be easier to screw Tiger Woods out of money off the course…
  • If all else fails – you can always be cool in Poland.
  • Don’t feel guilty when dipping in to your kids’ piggybanks this Christmas! The bills have probably been in a stripper’s thong anyway…
  • Lucky me! I tripped on the stairs leaving the house today and accidentally sat down on some rhubarb instead of a garden gnome.
  • You won’t impress me with your tattoos if I have seen the same designs on a Wal-Mart shower curtain.
  • The most interesting thing about Martha Stewart is that both her arms are of the same length.
  • Roofies are cheaper than fresh-cut roses.
  • Rumor: Barack Obama will be forced earn his Nobel Peace Prize by cutting down a pine tree in the nude, and then crawling all over it.
  • Norway is a trending topic? I don’t think that has happened since woolly mammoths migrated northward during the last Ice Age.
  • I wonder how the behaviour analysis unit of the FBI would profile a serial killer who only targets one-legged ping-pong players from Norway?
  • It’s almost certain that the sex scandal will affect both Tiger Woods’ swing and ka-ching.
  • Don’t try to strap a 1500-pound moose to the hood of your truck unless it’s dead because it will make it difficult to see out the window.
  • Fact: Many people who believe they can tap dance are completely delusional.
  • A few minutes ago, I stumbled on a skip roping competition on ESPN and it reminded me how much I hate bras.
  • The shelter for small dogs that have accidentally been used as hand puppets, always get a little bit of my holiday donations.
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