- Sarah Palin’s favorite things to put down: (1) Caribou. (2) Moose. (3) Deer. (4) Wolf. (5) Logical healthcare legislation.
- Places where rapists hide: (1) Behind the shower curtain. (2) In the closet. (3) Under the bed. (4) Back of the shed. (5) Lavalife.com.
- Three words that have never been used in the same sentence: Teen pregnancy + My Little Pony + Czechoslovakia.
- David Blaine tricks that would impress me: Placing the baby back inside Clay Aiken’s penis or surviving 2 days inside Paula Abdul’s vagina.
- She is too old for you: You lost a tooth while skateboarding last year… She lost her dentures on the bus last year…
- Santa’s sack is full of baby brothers, you just have to request one, and then make sure mama is all nicely rum toddied-up on Christmas Eve.
- If even more women come out of the woodwork, the only ads Tiger Woods will be making are for Lakota branded ‘Tiger Wood’ boner pills.
- Black: “What up dawg?” White: “How are you doing, Doug?”
- Men reveal: Women are more desirable when they make themselves available!
- Trending Topic in the Amazon rainforest: The bottle – witchcraft or a useable household item for storing liquids?
- Glue is better than screws because it doesn’t require any special tools and the smell is often quite interesting.
- It seems that Tiger Woods has spread more chocolate love than Willy Wonka.
- Unlikely Tarantino movie line: “Look, it’s a pregnant grandma-samurai in a pink, frilly, satin dress… and American beer tastes like piss.”
- Today I’m happy because I’m not to a transsexual performance artist who hopes to be like Renee Zellweger – and because I’m cooking a roast.
