- When will Conan O’Brien go back to doing what he does best: shutting up and just being tall – off the air?
- I woke up drooling from my nap – everything I touched turned beef jerky. I hope to dream about touching Charlize Theron later on tonight.
- A minivan feels much bigger when it clips you at the kneecaps at 90 mph.
- It’s cruel to yell, “bingo!” just to check which old ladies haven’t taken their heart medication.
- I learned all about sex from this guy who knew a girl who once watched the TV show Falcon Crest.
- “Happy birthday, Hun. I bought you this Harley by selling all my Tupperware and dried flowers on eBay.” No, I haven’t heard that one either.
- Latest from Paris: Earrings for men (fruit loops) are “out”… Necklaces featuring bones, feathers and glass beads are “in” again. Yes!
- Common questions to toddlers: (1) What did you just flush down in the toilet? (2) Can you find daddy’s wallet? (3) Did you just say, shit?
- Always have in mind, if you go to the movies in LA, you will risk sitting on a seat previously occupied by Paris Hilton’s vagina.
- News: McDonald’s is introducing a new veggie burger. They have named it McSmug.
- Important eHarmony questions: (1) When did you comb your hair? (2) When did you cut your toenails? (3) How old is your underwear and socks?
- When I was just a little turd, I used to dream of being pen pals with the accountant of the President of Nigeria. Who freakin’ knew, eh?
- Goth lipstick colors: (1) Not Too Spooky Black. (2) Asexual Orange. (3) Dead Rebel Green. (4) Menstruation Red. (5) Grandma’s Thighs White.
- Spontaneous advice from On Star: “You have been pulling 70-hour weeks… I’m sure your wife won’t mind… Topnotch strip club up ahead!”
- I had a semi-erotic dream last night, where a pack of vicious Martha Stewart look-alikes glued dried cranberries and beads to my naked body.
