- Often when my wife says, “We need to talk!” it comes across as, “You need to listen!” but maybe it’s just me not really paying attention?
- My 4-year-old doesn’t need psychokinesis to bend spoons or to make glasses fly across the dining room table. A plain old sugar rush will do.
- She is too young for you: She listens to Green Day on her iPod… You hear polka tunes in your head…
- Doesn’t ‘honey’ sound much better than ‘insect vomit’?
- Apple redesigned vagina: (1) The clitoris is easier to find. (2) Choice of cool colors. (3) Runs out of juice when you least expect it.
- You know she’s an up and coming porn actress when her knees look like they are covered in raw hamburger meat.
- Vegetarian bullying: Being forced to eat a roast beef sandwich instead of a glue stick.
- She is too old for you: You can name every Nintendo character there is… She can name every joint pain remedy on the market…
- My favourite prescriptions: (a) 3 mg. (b) 5 mg. (c) 50 mg. (d) 2 pills every hour. (e) 1 pill as needed.
- Life is good when you find that woman who is one in a million, or the one who is willing to do anything for a couple of bucks.
- You know you are dealing with a bad sushi chef if he wields his knife like a biker in a titty bar.
- I bet Jenna Jameson could bob for apples like a champion.
