2009 – December 16 (We need to talk)

  • Often when my wife says, “We need to talk!” it comes across as, “You need to listen!” but maybe it’s just me not really paying attention?
  • My 4-year-old doesn’t need psychokinesis to bend spoons or to make glasses fly across the dining room table. A plain old sugar rush will do.
  • She is too young for you: She listens to Green Day on her iPod… You hear polka tunes in your head…
  • Doesn’t ‘honey’ sound much better than ‘insect vomit’?
  • Apple redesigned vagina: (1) The clitoris is easier to find. (2) Choice of cool colors. (3) Runs out of juice when you least expect it.
  • You know she’s an up and coming porn actress when her knees look like they are covered in raw hamburger meat.
  • Vegetarian bullying: Being forced to eat a roast beef sandwich instead of a glue stick.
  • She is too old for you: You can name every Nintendo character there is… She can name every joint pain remedy on the market…
  • My favourite prescriptions: (a) 3 mg. (b) 5 mg. (c) 50 mg. (d) 2 pills every hour. (e) 1 pill as needed.
  • Life is good when you find that woman who is one in a million, or the one who is willing to do anything for a couple of bucks.
  • You know you are dealing with a bad sushi chef if he wields his knife like a biker in a titty bar.
  • I bet Jenna Jameson could bob for apples like a champion.
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