- My wife is going caroling tonight. I’m staying home and will try not to burn my penis in a chicken fajita wrap like I did last year.
- No wonder kids are soft nowadays: 2009 – duels on Guitar Hero… 1989 – duels with lawn darts…
- Things you rarely hear #3: Honey, could you please reach up to the top shelf and take down the box of liquorice thongs?
- Things you rarely hear #2: Can’t we just skip my aunt’s funeral and stay home, and have a steak dinner instead?
- Things you rarely hear #1: Do you mind if I rub myself all over with baby oil while I wait for the football game to be over?
- My parents forced me to play the trombone when I was younger. I blew their faces off when I got older.
- The cougar I caught last night left claw marks on the bed’s headboard and walls, before shitting on the carpet and jumping out the window.
