2009 – December 17 (My wife is going caroling tonight)

  • My wife is going caroling tonight. I’m staying home and will try not to burn my penis in a chicken fajita wrap like I did last year.
  • No wonder kids are soft nowadays: 2009 – duels on Guitar Hero… 1989 – duels with lawn darts…
  • Things you rarely hear #3: Honey, could you please reach up to the top shelf and take down the box of liquorice thongs?
  • Things you rarely hear #2: Can’t we just skip my aunt’s funeral and stay home, and have a steak dinner instead?
  • Things you rarely hear #1: Do you mind if I rub myself all over with baby oil while I wait for the football game to be over?
  • My parents forced me to play the trombone when I was younger. I blew their faces off when I got older.
  • The cougar I caught last night left claw marks on the bed’s headboard and walls, before shitting on the carpet and jumping out the window.
This entry was posted in Tweets. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

* Copy This Password *

* Type Or Paste Password Here *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>