2009 – December 17 (My wife is going caroling tonight)

  • My wife is going caroling tonight. I’m staying home and will try not to burn my penis in a chicken fajita wrap like I did last year.
  • No wonder kids are soft nowadays: 2009 – duels on Guitar Hero… 1989 – duels with lawn darts…
  • Things you rarely hear #3: Honey, could you please reach up to the top shelf and take down the box of liquorice thongs?
  • Things you rarely hear #2: Can’t we just skip my aunt’s funeral and stay home, and have a steak dinner instead?
  • Things you rarely hear #1: Do you mind if I rub myself all over with baby oil while I wait for the football game to be over?
  • My parents forced me to play the trombone when I was younger. I blew their faces off when I got older.
  • The cougar I caught last night left claw marks on the bed’s headboard and walls, before shitting on the carpet and jumping out the window.
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