2009 – December 2 (You will need a wife)

  • Eventually, you will need a wife, no matter how timely your drycleaner is.
  • Sign of the times? As a kid, I never played homosexual-couple-who-end-up-adopting-a-crack-head-baby-in-Detroit.
  • Today, Jesus made sure one of the kids across the tracks didn’t see the train coming. I’m not impressed.
  • Pecan Pie is the only food item that tastes as good coming up as going down.
  • December is Wookie mating season… Remember to wash your box and shave your legs to try staying unpregnant.
  • Tequila shots are cheaper than hiring a prostitute for the night.
  • My ears are big because I always used to get my lips stuck on everything as a child.
  • I’m almost certain that nobody using Twitter is currently cuddling under a freshly skinned bison hide.
  • Worshipping is important because Jesus enjoys candles.
  • At Christmas parties, I rarely end up eating people’s houseplants while wearing nothing but a thin layer of margarine.
  • You will get your chance in Hollywood, if you mention in your resume that your dad is a famous glass blower and your mother plays the tuba.
  • My dream is to one day swim with dolphins in New Zealand, and of course to wrestle and bite the sheep.
  • Yes, people, Tiger Woods is just a man… At least he didn’t have sex with a rusty tail pipe from a 1972 Ford Pinto and some boiled cabbage.
  • A self-respecting woman will only get naked in the privacy of her own home… or for a lot money… or sushi.
  • Rapper 50 Cent never takes his shirt off in the month of December because people often mistake him for a well-basted Christmas turkey.
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