- Christmas turkey porn: (1) Stuffing the turkey. (2) Chunky, dark meat. (3) Making gravy. (4) Mashing my turnip. (5) Peas in grandma’s mouth.
- I’m almost done shoplifting for Christmas… Not sure if I should sell an iPod to buy the turkey or pay a kid to shovel out the wheelchair.
- I have a great Tiger Woods – putter – banana bread, tweet… but holding off until he screws another waitress – and is Trending again.
- I’m not sure if I’m offended or relieved by the fact that I will never be allowed to work as a staff whore in the Playboy mansion.
- I just told my son to squeeze out an old juice box in the sink… Funny thing, had I remembered to squeeze it out too, he wouldn’t be here.
- Yeah, you know you are getting old when shit happens and you don’t notice until the dog smells your butt and ends up spewing in bed.
- My son still can’t figure out the “sorting bucket” but he easily creates pentagrams out of pretty much anything. What’s up with that?
- I just noticed hitting 300 tweets – with a real doozy… Mommy, will be so proud.
- Did you know that you would have ten years of good luck if you ever accidentally fellated a leprechaun?
- My son’s favourite games are Snakes and Ladderz, leviatation and virgin sacrefize. The kindergarten teacher is worried about his spelling…
- I rarely purposely pee on the toilet seats at our local McDonald’s on Monday afternoons, when coming home from work with pent up aggression.
- No matter the hair day, your mother-in-law will always look beautiful in an orange jumpsuit, on the side of the road, picking garbage.
- Nothing better than watching your neighbour get sweaty with his wife on a cold day like this.
- Movie review ‘Old Dogs’: John Travolta, the academy wants their Oscar back! You don’t have one? Ok, Satan should be ready to collect now…
- Movie review ’2012′: Not quite as exciting and rewarding, as seeing a bunch of drunken grannies play shuffleboard.
- I have a reoccurring nightmare where little people chase me down and threaten to cut me; I cry and plead but they still take my tricycle.
- One asthmatic hamster in a noose could easily be whipped in to generating more sexual tension than Kirsten Dunst in baby oil.
- Canadian Wisdom: Never lick anything that looks like maple syrup unless it also smells like maple syrup
