2009 – December 22 (The lady next door got laid)

  • I think the lady next door got laid last night because this morning she was walking like John Wayne in a Western.
  • If I had an obsessive-compulsive disorder involving the personal hygiene of senior citizens, I would have a rough time going to bed now.
  • I wouldn’t mind being sentenced to giving Reese Witherspoon daily sponge baths.
  • Being the wealthiest guinea pig milk producer in Peru is still rather weak, as far as eHarmony is concerned.
  • The best business decision I ever made was to not open a store that sells vintage boy band t-shirts and plastic fruit.
  • Statistically speaking, everything happens – even scurvy!
  • Brad Pitt needs to man up: “I don’t care what the bitch thinks, or what those environmental hippies say… My next baby will be a Ferrari!”
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