- Candidiasis sounds more delicious than yeast infection.
- Art is my life. I even married my wife because she looks like an 18th century gargoyle.
- The Elvis Presley movie, Blue Hawaii, is often used as an alternative to beatings in Turkish, Moroccan and Algerian prisons.
- Flying a kite isn’t nearly as challenging as flying a piano.
- True happiness: Finding a great cone!
- Your wife won’t make you feel guilty for buying imported beer when she is in a coma.
- Real friends will give you reassuring hugs when you soil yourself while playing Twister.
- I would hate to frantically scratch myself and then discover that some of my fingers are missing.
- I think I might freak out a bit if I ever discover a disemboweled body in my bathtub again.
- All single ladies: There are guys out there for you – sweet guys who play the guitar, cook, and don’t wear your pantyhose without asking.
- Kevin Kline’s career highlight is still A Fish Called Wanda, where he had 163 takes sniffing Jamie Lee Curtis’ boots. Not too shabby!
- I’m loved by many but also truly hated by those I have randomly bitten.
- You will only impress me if you fold origami designs using baking sheets.
- I’m known for my charming dimples and for being wet-nursed by my grandmother until I was 17.
- Once you turn 40, you can simply save money on McDonald’s by making your own enemas at home.
- Interesting fact about me: I own the second largest urinal cake collection in the world! Mine is only topped by Quentin Tarantino’s.
- Fall season is beautiful… I get tears in my eyes when I see the leaves turn and hobos preparing their dens for winter.
- Family Web filters work great until your 5-year-old learns to write ‘oiled up asses’ in German.
