2009 – December 4 (Tracked by NORAD)

  • Christmas: The time of year when I gain enough weight to be tracked by NORAD.
  • I have finally made a home brew that tastes as good as a crappy commercial beer!
  • Yes, your boyfriend might be too rough in bed if your ass ends up looking like a tie-dyed t-shirt in the morning.
  • My daughter’s fuck-up of a boyfriend accidentally hit himself over the head with a shovel and buried himself in my backyard…
  • Question the perfect woman would ask: Would you like me to carry in another keg of beer from the garage even though my boobs are too big?
  • Always turn a blind eye to a poorly thrown dart.
  • Sometimes my farts smell like freshly baked gingerbread cookies, which to my delight, people seem to find both confusing and comforting.
  • I believe it’s the eggnog buzz that keeps people from stabbing Kenny G. in the throat with broken Christmas ornaments.
  • Suspicious: A middle-aged man who rings people’s doorbells and offers cookies to Girl Guides.
  • Top of my Christmas list: Getting to plow Chalize Theron like a farmer plows his cornfield.
  • My wife thought I looked hot today because I was sweating through my coat.
  • Brad and Angelina’s Christmas wish list: More babies, OshKosh baby clothing store franchise and a herd of dairy cows.
  • Freakdoom: We have only called in Japan since 1565.
  • My dad was always excited the night before Christmas. I often heard him banging the wall and screaming, “Yes, give it to me, bitch!”
  • Last night I dreamt, I crushed a railroad car with my feet, ate a giraffe and them took a dump on a small circus tent.
  • You know you are flying a budget airline when the one token male flight attendant also has a run in his stockings.
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