- Pigeon conversation starters: (a) “Do you mind if I sit here?” (b) “Do you mind if I shit here?”
- Santa used to sneak in to my room at night and ask me to pull his finger. The smell of fresh steamed cabbage is the best present ever!
- When Christmas shopping as kids, my sister always wanted to see the dolls at Macy’s and I wanted to see the skanky whores in Times Square.
- We talked about her menopause as we drank Chardonnay and roasted tampons over an open fire.
- We know there is water on the moon but will never, ever, know who has the tightest sphincter in Black Hills, South Dakota.
- Be my friend and open my stubborn pistachio nuts.
- You know you have met the perfect woman when she only nags for sex, medium-rare veal scallops, and to wash your hockey gear.
- Love: Buying your wife something nice for Christmas with some of the money she has made turning tricks down at the truck stop.
- News from Australia (2 minutes ago): Sweet luscious mangoes the size of newborn baby heads coming to your continents soon.
- I would hate to catch myself singing along to Country music tunes featuring banjos, yodeling or the word Christmas. Or Country – period.
