2009 – December 5 (Pigeon conversation starters)

  • Pigeon conversation starters: (a) “Do you mind if I sit here?” (b) “Do you mind if I shit here?”
  • Santa used to sneak in to my room at night and ask me to pull his finger. The smell of fresh steamed cabbage is the best present ever!
  • When Christmas shopping as kids, my sister always wanted to see the dolls at Macy’s and I wanted to see the skanky whores in Times Square.
  • We talked about her menopause as we drank Chardonnay and roasted tampons over an open fire.
  • We know there is water on the moon but will never, ever, know who has the tightest sphincter in Black Hills, South Dakota.
  • Be my friend and open my stubborn pistachio nuts.
  • You know you have met the perfect woman when she only nags for sex, medium-rare veal scallops, and to wash your hockey gear.
  • Love: Buying your wife something nice for Christmas with some of the money she has made turning tricks down at the truck stop.
  • News from Australia (2 minutes ago): Sweet luscious mangoes the size of newborn baby heads coming to your continents soon.
  • I would hate to catch myself singing along to Country music tunes featuring banjos, yodeling or the word Christmas. Or Country – period.
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