2009 – December 6 (More fast-paced than bobsledding)

  • Nothing is more fast-paced than bobsledding and masturbating to a three-second Web clip of Charlize Theron’s pixelated vagina.
  • I need a drink! I need a drink as badly as Paula Abdul needs a… drink.
  • Maturity: Realizing you don’t need to be part of every threesome offered. Sometimes watching the two hobos get it on their own is nice too.
  • When Minnie Driver started out, she was referred to as the ‘bell of the ball’. Since Goodwill Hunting, it’s been more ‘balls on her chin’.
  • Trading: Rosa The Cleaning Lady love doll (duct tape in back of head) for a pack of smokes, a large Meat Lover’s Pizza and a 6-pack of beer.
  • Crabs are worth it if her tits defy gravity and she owns a brewery.
  • Win-win: My wife loves photography and I look pretty when I wear her jewellery in my nipples.
  • Horrible misunderstanding: I didn’t say, “I have blooms in my braids”… I said, “I have full-blown AIDS.”
  • Yes, it’s true. Women love men who are charming, witty and can lick the logo off any golf ball.
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