2009 – December 7 (Erotic novel I just started)

  • An erotic novel I just started… So far I have: ‘She was smoking hot and I was ready as a pyromaniac on a Saudi oilfield…’
  • The only places where semen has not been found on the TV show CSI: (1) Inside a tuba. (2) On a piece of toast. (3) In some guy’s hand.
  • I don’t want you to become a clown! I don’t need you to smell up the mall with your crusty armpits just because you “know” balloon animals.
  • Fudge! Our heat pump just blew… Mondays are like lepers with Ebola – they bring you down every time.
  • Experts agree that Oprah’s weight problem stems from the fact that she loves cake and cake.
  • Least sexy fruits: (1) Pineapple. (2) Mango. (3) Guava. (4) Peach. (5) Richard Simmons.
  • Quit your whining! Being kicked in the nuts hurts more than breastfeeding a starving cheetah.
  • My wife has never given birth to a coconut.
  • New Oscar Award announced: Best actor in a role that could have been done much better by Tom Hanks, one of his kids, parents, or family dog.
  • You know you are watching a horrible reality show when not only the women’s bikini cleavages and butts are blurred out; their faces are too.
  • The Olsen twins are so useless that neither of them can even be used as make-shit floating devices during a ferry disaster.
  • I jazzed it up a bit for my daughter’s birthday party this weekend and had the kids play ‘Pin the Moustache on Tom Selleck.’
  • A possible future wife is someone who can suck dry a rain-soaked cardigan in less than 5 minutes.
  • My genie wishes: (1) 42 oz. slab of medium-rare Prime Rib. (2) Cold bottle of beer. (3) Another beer. (4) Big-breasted hooker. (5) Nap.
  • Wouldn’t it be neat if archaeologists found the Arc of the Covenant and all it contained was a pair of maracas and a sombrero?
  • I beat my wife only because she walks in to doors and falls down stairs.
  • Tip! Here’s a movie you might be able to sneak past your wife on Pay-Per-View: Hairy Putter and the Lumber of Secretions.
  • I prefer Burger King because there is always plenty of toilet paper in their bathroom stalls.
  • Movie Review ‘Armored’: Slightly more enjoyable than a headbutt from a drunken Irishman.
  • Failed pick-up line: Would you like to come to my place and see my DeWalt D51321 nail gun and the chains in my dungeon?
  • Life: In the real one, you will never French kiss a princess, high-five a plumber or get a gold star for destroying magic mushrooms.
  • A clam can change sex from male to female, but only once. This is done to further the species or to get in to the ladies’ locker room.
  • Did you know? In Las Vegas, Elvis Presley was called (the) ‘whale’. Later on, that title also came to be used for big time gamblers.
  • The weakest lie after any given family Christmas: “We hate to see you go…”
  • You know you are famous when people play games like ‘Six Degrees of not doing Cameron Diaz’.
  • It isn’t legally necrophilia if you didn’t know she was dead
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