2009 – December 9 (Mattresses at church bingo)

  • This coming Sunday, somebody will be ecstatic to win one of those blow-up mattresses at church bingo.
  • Future headline: Hugh Hefner dies with a smile and a bunny on his face.
  • Just my luck: Charlize Theron drops to her knees for me and trips a landmine.
  • Ok, I admit it – I have never worn satin while sober.
  • You shouldn’t have a dog if you name it: (1) Lover. (2) Cunningulus. (3) Boyfriend. (4) Sex machine. (5) Lassie.
  • You know you are going to prison when she gets out of her jeans and you discover she’s wearing Dora the Explorer underwear.
  • My wishes: (1) Friends coming to call. (2) Children laughing. (3) Goodwill towards man. (4) Peace on earth. (5) Hooters gift certificates.
  • Why is Lady Gaga called ‘the woman of a million faces’ when he hasn’t sat on nearly as many?
  • The U.S. government is probably smart enough to hide away any captured aliens at the even more secretive Area 52.
  • It takes balls to kick a grizzly bear in the nuts.
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