2009 – November 27 (245 million years)

  • Evolution: Things we don’t eat 245 million years later.
  • Coors Light is the world’s most refreshing beer for teenagers who dance like retards.
  • ‘Black Friday today’ and ‘Damn I Was Stupid Saturday’ tomorrow.
  • Jesus Christ can’t save you if you smell like a hamburger in bear country.
  • Wearing a helmet could keep you out of the Special Olympics.
  • Nunchucks are for people that can’t afford Glocks.
  • “Duck!” is not only a scrumptious meal to hockey fans.
  • Beach volleyball is more popular than bowling, curling and darts but not as popular as masturbation.
  • In Scientology, the E-Meter is used to measure the level of E in imbecile.
  • Chardonnay turns managers in to imbeciles at company Christmas parties.
  • Scrambled porn channels make all women look interesting.
  • Team Shamus only stabs you with broken beer bottles.
  • In the rainforest, wet monkeys would stab you to death for an umbrella.
  • Team Benedict XVI only feed on the body of Christ.
  • Relax! Your 400 lbs. wife will never run away with another man.
  • You can experience sensuality by simply smoking a joint and having a bubble bath.
  • High-speed cameras make the pointless and insignificant look interesting.
  • Everything and everyone, even Sarah Palin, can be turned in to a beautiful ashtray.
  • Shock and Awe: Grandma drinking a quart of rum, getting naked and doing the splits on the kitchen floor.
  • Black Friday tomorrow! Americans, do your national duty and help the world economy along in the process – max out your credit cards!
  • Bad things eventually come out of those who wait too long for their piece of the turkey.
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