- Evolution: Things we don’t eat 245 million years later.
- Coors Light is the world’s most refreshing beer for teenagers who dance like retards.
- ‘Black Friday today’ and ‘Damn I Was Stupid Saturday’ tomorrow.
- Jesus Christ can’t save you if you smell like a hamburger in bear country.
- Wearing a helmet could keep you out of the Special Olympics.
- Nunchucks are for people that can’t afford Glocks.
- “Duck!” is not only a scrumptious meal to hockey fans.
- Beach volleyball is more popular than bowling, curling and darts but not as popular as masturbation.
- In Scientology, the E-Meter is used to measure the level of E in imbecile.
- Chardonnay turns managers in to imbeciles at company Christmas parties.
- Scrambled porn channels make all women look interesting.
- Team Shamus only stabs you with broken beer bottles.
- In the rainforest, wet monkeys would stab you to death for an umbrella.
- Team Benedict XVI only feed on the body of Christ.
- Relax! Your 400 lbs. wife will never run away with another man.
- You can experience sensuality by simply smoking a joint and having a bubble bath.
- High-speed cameras make the pointless and insignificant look interesting.
- Everything and everyone, even Sarah Palin, can be turned in to a beautiful ashtray.
- Shock and Awe: Grandma drinking a quart of rum, getting naked and doing the splits on the kitchen floor.
- Black Friday tomorrow! Americans, do your national duty and help the world economy along in the process – max out your credit cards!
- Bad things eventually come out of those who wait too long for their piece of the turkey.
