- Mutual masturbation is as dangerous as shining a laser pointer in your eye. Jesus said that.
- The hungrier I get, the more I notice how people smell like chicken.
- Hobby: Origami. Not a hobby: Exposing yourself to schoolchildren.
- Being raped in the prison showers is more rewarding than multivariable calculus.
- Not even Oprah can eat 9 lbs. of bananas in one sitting.
- I shot it. I cleaned it. I stuffed it. I broiled it. I even ate whatever ugly thing it was.
- I really don’t need to see a sex tape featuring Franklin D. Roosevelt and First Lady Eleanor.
- At the beach, always play in the very shallows where the bull sharks can’t get the rest of your legs.
- Who keeps wars, aids and wife-beaters going when God is on vacation?
- Tequila will not protect you from unwanted pregnancies.
- Perspective: Some people see a seal pup and other people see a hat.
- The Scouts would have been more memorable if we had more marshmallows and if we had taken turns fellating each other around the campfire.
- Spend money on Pepsi and get free Pepsi stuff or buy coke and hire a hooker.
- Mythbusters are doing all those crazy thing we shouldn’t have tried at home.
- Untimely Star Trek reruns are only slightly less painful than being molested by a Wookie.
- Strive to be an Olympic gymnast and if you fail you can always be featured in mixed racial homo erotica.
