2009 – November 28 (Shining a laser pointer in your eye)

  • Mutual masturbation is as dangerous as shining a laser pointer in your eye. Jesus said that.
  • The hungrier I get, the more I notice how people smell like chicken.
  • Hobby: Origami. Not a hobby: Exposing yourself to schoolchildren.
  • Being raped in the prison showers is more rewarding than multivariable calculus.
  • Not even Oprah can eat 9 lbs. of bananas in one sitting.
  • I shot it. I cleaned it. I stuffed it. I broiled it. I even ate whatever ugly thing it was.
  • I really don’t need to see a sex tape featuring Franklin D. Roosevelt and First Lady Eleanor.
  • At the beach, always play in the very shallows where the bull sharks can’t get the rest of your legs.
  • Who keeps wars, aids and wife-beaters going when God is on vacation?
  • Tequila will not protect you from unwanted pregnancies.
  • Perspective: Some people see a seal pup and other people see a hat.
  • The Scouts would have been more memorable if we had more marshmallows and if we had taken turns fellating each other around the campfire.
  • Spend money on Pepsi and get free Pepsi stuff or buy coke and hire a hooker.
  • Mythbusters are doing all those crazy thing we shouldn’t have tried at home.
  • Untimely Star Trek reruns are only slightly less painful than being molested by a Wookie.
  • Strive to be an Olympic gymnast and if you fail you can always be featured in mixed racial homo erotica.
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