- You can always keep busy by smoking a fist full of pot and then trying to knit a sweater.
- Bang for the buck: When your $1.00 hand grenade kills the guy with the $100,000 Katana.
- The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien are for those nights when having your nipples chewed on by a crazed badger is not painful enough.
- My life changed in July 1988. That’s when I decided to have sex with our neighbour’s lawn tractor, just the way the Beatles had preached.
- Yes, you heard right! Jesus wants you to donate money for mopeds, champagne enemas and liquorice thongs.
- You don’t need to buy a mechanical bull an overpriced Appletini.
- Cows become beef when they lose their pulse.
- Wal-Mart always has the best deals on dish detergents, cashews and sanitary napkins.
- My sister asked me to “fucking” apologise… Sorry, she used to be a dirty slut. She is now a nice wife of a lawyer with a nice boat.
- Last night I had this dream where I was sitting inside a huge Hungarian salami, watching Nicole Kidman slip in to some lingerie.
- While falling asleep, I realized I would have made more friends if I had embraced they fact that my sister was a dirty slut. Whatever…
- No more beer so I’m going to sleep now! To the five people following me – don’t give up on me! I will get more beer tomorrow. Sleep tightly!
- Tragedy: Charlize Theron’s boobs sagging.
- Marriage is nice because you don’t need to reaffirm your relationship by going to every dimwitted Julia Roberts movie released.
- Sorry, being a stormtrooper is not as evil and perverted as kissing your own sister.
- I would love to have a speedball bag that makes a faint meowing sound every time I hit it.
- If my wife was a bodybuilder, I’m sure she would be nice enough to give me piggyback rides back home from the pub if I asked politely.
