2010 – April 15 (Burning of witches)

  • Burning of witches… Child molestations… Overpopulating Ireland… The Vatican makes Caligula look like a kindergarten teacher on Xanax.
  • Addressing your Walmart greeter… Wrong: “Hello, Lisa! How’s your Lupus, and cats?” Correct: “Buying. Toilet paper. Tampons. Cashews.”
  • I need 20 more clicks for my first 50-star tweet… This is as an important of a milestone as your mom’s first Burger King gangbang. Go!
  • I hate stumbling across a last tweet that reads, “Going out with this carny I met in the pet store. I hope he’s not a serial killer! LOL!”
  • Warning! This tweet may contain course language and subject matter, which is not suitable for the Christian-Right: ‘Fucking stem cells!’
  • Facebookers! Every time you ask a person on Twitter to be your friend – a butterfly gets its wings torn off.
  • Just because you are married, it doesn’t mean you can’t practice safe sex, or as Microsoft calls it: auto-deleting browser history on exit.
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