- My sex tape just hit the Web. Awkward! Well, it’s pretty hot if you first fast-forward 30 minutes of me crying while cupping my blue balls.
- Again, I forgot all about #bitterhungoverunfollowsaturdaymorning… Bad news? It’s still Saturday… Good news? I have cold beer!
- Saturday tip! Windex makes for a shitty Appletini.
- Jesus: “Beerhaze, don’t be naïve…” Me: “I’m not! ‘People are people’… Depeche Mode taught me that when I had a perm. Let’s see…”
- Oh, it’s no longer #FollowFriday? I don’t give a fuck! I’m very un-Facebook-ish that way.
- I just released the Kraken in the toilet… I feel so much better! Now – bacon!
- Praise Jesus! He left me an opened and stale beer next to my box of ‘Oiled Plump Asses’ mags and dignity.
- What is a “hangover”? What are “pubes”? – Justin Bieber
- Great! I just lost a follower… You can’t even tweet about Snuggies any more? What kind of Facebook Saturday is this?
- Despite the hell that is Saturday morning hangover, I think something good happened last night because my penis seems glued to the Snuggie.
- Trading a bad hangover for anything… I’ll take your pain – you’ll take mine! I will even have sex with your mom for you. Hello?
- Sweet, mercy… I shouldn’t have had that last half-a-bucket of beer. Yell – and die! Turn on Zack and Cody on the TV – and die!
- Where’s the button that auto-removes drunken tweets? Where’s the Lysol bathroom spray? Why do I have barbed wire stuck to my ass?
- >logg out
- Oh! falze alarmed it waz jus Conan porn bot! It askin to clap hamds like ginger. Fool onze shame me teh twaice I start war if look teh idot!
- Holy fmu k! @conanobrien juz made me followe numba 2!!! man I love de hair an monki man! Wont even beg fo moneu n stuf. We BFFIA?
- Hei! look turnip! Nice teh beer! Wow!
- Lately, my balls twitch more from Tequila vomiting than sex. It’s like being back in high school (minus annoying offspring in the morning).
- Sponsored tweet: ‘Head & Shoulders also works great for Chest & and Pits and Knuckles & Ass.’ (Procter & Gamble)
- Ah, some tweets are just better left in that deep, dark, place inside the head… You know, in the place where we picture your mom naked.
- Scientology #celebritydiseases
- Sponsored tweet: ‘Going down on a 75-year-old man is not sex, or cheating – it’s an athletic endeavour.’ (Larry King LLC)
