2010 – April 17 (My sex tape just hit the Web)

  • My sex tape just hit the Web. Awkward! Well, it’s pretty hot if you first fast-forward 30 minutes of me crying while cupping my blue balls.
  • Again, I forgot all about #bitterhungoverunfollowsaturdaymorning… Bad news? It’s still Saturday… Good news? I have cold beer!
  • Saturday tip! Windex makes for a shitty Appletini.
  • Jesus: “Beerhaze, don’t be naïve…” Me: “I’m not! ‘People are people’… Depeche Mode taught me that when I had a perm. Let’s see…”
  • Oh, it’s no longer #FollowFriday? I don’t give a fuck! I’m very un-Facebook-ish that way.
  • I just released the Kraken in the toilet… I feel so much better! Now – bacon!
  • Praise Jesus! He left me an opened and stale beer next to my box of ‘Oiled Plump Asses’ mags and dignity.
  • What is a “hangover”? What are “pubes”? – Justin Bieber
  • Great! I just lost a follower… You can’t even tweet about Snuggies any more? What kind of Facebook Saturday is this?
  • Despite the hell that is Saturday morning hangover, I think something good happened last night because my penis seems glued to the Snuggie.
  • Trading a bad hangover for anything… I’ll take your pain – you’ll take mine! I will even have sex with your mom for you. Hello?
  • Sweet, mercy… I shouldn’t have had that last half-a-bucket of beer. Yell – and die! Turn on Zack and Cody on the TV – and die!
  • Where’s the button that auto-removes drunken tweets? Where’s the Lysol bathroom spray? Why do I have barbed wire stuck to my ass?
  • >logg out
  • Oh! falze alarmed it waz jus Conan porn bot! It askin to clap hamds like ginger. Fool onze shame me teh twaice I start war if look teh idot!
  • Holy fmu k! @conanobrien juz made me followe numba 2!!! man I love de hair an monki man! Wont even beg fo moneu n stuf. We BFFIA?
  • Hei! look turnip! Nice teh beer! Wow!
  • Lately, my balls twitch more from Tequila vomiting than sex. It’s like being back in high school (minus annoying offspring in the morning).
  • Sponsored tweet: ‘Head & Shoulders also works great for Chest & and Pits and Knuckles & Ass.’ (Procter & Gamble)
  • Ah, some tweets are just better left in that deep, dark, place inside the head… You know, in the place where we picture your mom naked.
  • Scientology #celebritydiseases
  • Sponsored tweet: ‘Going down on a 75-year-old man is not sex, or cheating – it’s an athletic endeavour.’ (Larry King LLC)
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