2010 – April 19 (Sacrifice a virgin in my honour)

  • I finally got a 50-star tweet – @favstar, when will you sacrifice a virgin in my honour? If I get to pick my own, I want Justin Bieber.
  • “I haven’t showered in weeks and I’m on my period.” Dating man: “It’s ok, I can wait.” Married man: “Hold that thought! I’ll get the tarp.”
  • I hate being asked if I’m a leg, ass or breast man. I always say ‘breast’, but in reality, I’m more of a “drunk and available” kind of guy.
  • I was offered $600 for a painting listed at $400. Should have said: “Thanks!” Instead I tweeted: “Unicorn dollars or real dollars?” *click*
  • Asked a priest to exorcise your mom out of my head – no go! Supposedly, you have to be “God-fearing” and “remorseful”; whatever that means.
  • Finally, someone plagiarized one of my tweets! I was just about to celebrate when I realized it was the one I stole from Justin Bieber.
  • I had to cancel my first Tweetup last night because I couldn’t find the chloroform and duct-tape.
  • I hate not being able to go back and fix Twitter typos as much as I hate not being able to undo that diseased hooker, back in 1989.
  • It’s not that I’m afraid of my wife per se, it’s just that I know she’s psychic and will cut my balls off if I do our neighbour.
  • My kid’s orthodontist is Greek. I really don’t have a $16,000 joke for that, and his nice, with long curly hair you could brush for hours.
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