2010 – April 20 (Find a bowling pin on sale)

  • I bought a 68-ounce tub of lube today because it was on sale and just in case I get lucky… and also find a bowling pin on sale.
  • Ooops, Mike Morrison on Furlong Rd. #26. I didn’t mean to out you! Don’t worry, nobody reads Twitter for gossip and stupid sexual missteps.
  • “Why can’t you be more like Sue’s husband?” Me: “Lift something, pretend to hurt my back, and get ‘massages’ from the ho at the mall? Okay!”
  • None of Larry King’s mistresses have ever called a press conference because they know it would be too freaking creepy.
  • This morning, I used 49 razors when shaving my legs and balls for the first time – totally not worth it!
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