- What else? Oh, I discovered that one of my boobs has more hair on it than the other. I figure, fuck it, the glow of the TV will disguise it.
- My Pre-K son had his “spring concert” earlier this evening. Yes, evening! Come 8 fucking 15: Like watching stoned hobbits find umbrellas…
- Oh, yeah, and always wear nice shoes… and do what’s asked of you. No, wait, I think that was my mom, or was it yours? Need a beer.
- I think the most important thing I have learned from Ron Jeremy, about women, is that you can’t go wrong with a big, fat, moustache.
- Jesus had a great day when he invented patterned stocking so that all women have the choice to look like tattooed biker chicks.
- I like Earth Day because it reminds me to turn the compost before my daughter’s boyfriends begin to smell.
- This is my 1000th tweet. I can’t believe it! So many hours and typos I could instead have committed to finding North Korean porn.
- It’s simply classier to throw up in a pedestal sink.
- I had a shower and a short nap. I dreamt about unicorns, and I have to say, they really are into some kinky shit!
- I find human sexuality more interesting than that of spiders, but it’s Earth Day: I’ll be in the backyard – naked from the waist down.
- Thousands of people have done your mom – in the Library of Congress.
- “Daddy, would you rather go to Disney World with us or get eaten by a dragon? Daddy? Daddy!” Me: “Shhh! Still pondering the question…”
- I fucking checked, ok? Nowhere in the Bible does it mention gold, frankincense, myrrh and turkey. The rest is probably all lies too!
- I came up with a great Kraken tweet, but I know you are fed up, so I’m saving it for the sequel.
