- I love the people that choose to follow my silliness! Each weekend, I sacrifice at least one guinea pig to help boost their karma.
- Don’t mind the echo – it’s the beer typing… Sorry.
- Having a catheter inserted in to you penis after major knee surgery is the wildest release you will ever have! Guys, you should try it…
- Another, thing… This whole “add a comma, when in doubt, thing, is not working, out for me, either.” Unrelated: Wood!
- For fucks sake! Spelling mistakes are one thing – missing whole words is so beer-ish.
- My daughter says I make her boyfriend feel uncomfortable when ask him to spell g-e-n-t-l-e-m-a-n and n-e-u-t-e-r-e-d before a date.
- When it comes to primetime TV, we need less ‘V’ and more ‘XXX’.
- Spell-checkers… How much are those things anyway?
- Whenever I hear ‘Cinco de Mayo’, I want to make a sandwich with mayo, chicken and lettuce – of course, sprinkled with some hot cinco.
- “Daddy, Julie is always giving me her candy and she does whatever I tell her. Is she my girlfriend?” Me: “No son, she is your wife to be.”
- No! That doesn’t work either… Missing something… I think it’s the, the, the… No, I shanked that one.
- Oh! It’s an euphemism! Like: “I was sitting in the basement, wearing my wife’s pantyhose when she walked in – and shit hit the fan!” *ding*
- Many of you people must work on rhino farms or something because the shit never hits the fan around here.
- In your next life, Ricky, don’t change your name – stay ‘Enrique’… Never mind! Thanks for my wife’s hip action and the baby boy! Carry on!
- Say what you will about Ricky Martin, but the dude really got his shit together, or packed – whatever the proper un-drunk street lingo is.
- I’m 100% that I made the right choice, which is Twitter – so many hot avatars! Besides, both of our mom’s are on Facebook – awkward!
- Whenever I say something “wrong”, my wife sends me down to the basement where all the porn and the beer are. Win!
- From the TV hockey coverage in the background: “He has a nose for value, and a nose!” CBC needs to start euthanizing people to lower taxes.
- There really is something special about the Stanley Cup playoffs, or as Toronto fans calls it, ‘fantasy hockey’ (add proper hashtag here).
