- I leave you alone for a few hours… And now I’m sitting on-top of Favstar – with a +50 tweet. I need to do this more often… Thanks guys!
- Next time you sit at a McDonald’s playland and a parent asks you, “Which one is yours?” Say, “I haven’t picked one out yet!” It’s worth it.
- You know you need to get laid when a hobo asks for spare change, you can’t help but picture him naked and down on all fours.
- Tip! If you hope for me to follow your protected tweets, at least use a meaningful screen name. Bad: ‘Bob87b’. Good: ‘all_about_my_vagina’.
- Any food that comes in a 48 oz. screw-top jar should be called feed.
- My wife walks in to the room and I quickly rip off her panties, and now I’m bleeding from both crotch and crack. Sonofabitch it hurts!
- I’m so freaking excited! Rumour has it that Ally McBeal will play Skeletor in the new Masters of the Universe movie.
- If I could twirl my nipples and tug on my horseradish at the same time, I would be less interested in bacon.
- A slightly exposed bra strap emerging from under a tank top is far sexier than a naked and sweaty Kirstie Alley in a McDonald’s drive-thru.
- Be discreet when watching porn on your iPod. Not everyone needs to hear you moan and sigh – it’s creepy! And in the fucking manual!
