- My son has a bruised cheek from falling off a chair when grooving to Justin Bieber. Don’t worry, I spanked him and broke one of his toys.
- Wooooot! The History Channel is showing The Gospel of Judas at midnight!
- Q: How many Tweeps does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One… and your mom.
- I bought my wife a $1900 pearl necklace or as the guy at the counter called them: 100% guaranteed anal – beads. I can always take them back.
- Ooops, I accidentally stepped on my son’s favourite Hot Wheels® toy. You know the sound that the Kraken makes? Yeah. That.
- In Nevada – We anal probe the aliens. #stephenhawkingchilltakeapill
