- Tip! On eHarmony – fill in their compatibility test as you think the Dalai Lama would. Then bring it home with your starved 10-incher.
- Rumour has it that the pastel paint and cartoon animal wallpaper industry is lobbying congress to have all birth control banned.
- You guys, I just found the best hangover remedy: A whole-wheat bagel with cream cheese, lox, capers, six-pack of beer and some Jägermeister.
- Wife: “How much were the skates?” Me: They were on sale. Kidding! I have no idea. Do you see the kitten over there? Wife: “No?” Me: Exactly.
- “Just pick a pair and I’ll buy you a kitten too!” Hangover. Hungry. Buying hockey skates for my daughter from store, to store, to store…
- Fact: The dry-climate Baobab tree can store up to 35,000 gallons of liquids in its trunk. Mine or Lech Walesa’s cannot. Good night!
- It’s Sunday morning and I’m tweeting about Lech Walesa and Skittles… Oh, well, at least I have my pants on. Okay, now they are off.
- OMG! Fizzy Skittles! Why didn’t anyone tell me earlier? You bastards! Oh, to clarify – I’m talking about the candy, not Lech Walesa’s balls.
- Made the decision to only give my Tweet of the Day to tweets that contain the word ‘dong’ because that’s how Lech Walesa and I roll.
- I just received a Twilight Zone DM: “Fag!” How did that ex-follower know I was thinking about Lech Walesa when writing my last tweet?
- The Polish sausage I’m choking back right now would even satisfy a vegetarian, if he or she had an open mind.
- It’s all fun and games until your Tickle Me Elmo giggles, and you go flaccid.
