2010 – February 12 (Having a vasectomy at 75)

  • Having a vasectomy at 75 is like cutting off your arms just in case you get the urge to go pole vaulting.
  • If my dick swelled like my feet do when I drink beer, my wife might just stop bitching.
  • Twitter would be less degrading to men if women stuck to vagina jokes, and men stuck to vagina jokes.
  • This Valentine’s, treat her nice even though she has come home stoned with a gang tattoo on her left boob. It will help with the dishes.
  • Today is Darwin Day. I’m not sure how to celebrate it… Kick the dog or push a stoned teenager in front of an oncoming bus?
  • Every time you barfed sushi, a Toyota lost its breaks.
  • My bucket list: #1. Avoid prison shower rape. #2. Having a goat or an Olsen twin sacrificed in my honour. #3. Being lost in a brewery.
  • IN! ooops – ooowt – iiin – out – in – out – in – think of ponies being napalmed… inoutin… apologize and go to sleep. That’s how I roll.
  • Valentine’s Day Tip: Only propose to her if she’s a filthy-rich-sexual-deviant-sword-swallowing-contortionist-nymphomaniac who does laundry.
  • Real-life romance novel: She fell asleep with a long hissing fart. He smiled, reached for the TV remote… and ate some more chicken wings.
  • I would love to one day find something useful in one those chocolate Kinder Eggs, like a foldout fake beard made out of real beards.
  • For Valentine’s Day, I hope to get a Swedish massage, or a massage by a nubile and desperate Swedish hooker, or some beef jerky.
  • By some people’s estimates, it is now possible to cut a perfect 42 oz. slab of prime rib out of Carrot Top.
  • Last night, I dreamt I ran Lady Gaga’s wigs in the washing machine. She sat in a corner, sobbing, with our cat duct-taped to her head… Hm.
  • Aquarium fish instinctually do not defecate during a feeding frenzy, as to not risk miss-chewing anything. Taco Bell lunch crowds do not.
  • I had a shower this morning, cursing stuck up bitches… and then discovering pieces of pickled herring in the folds of my man-boobs.
  • Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Eaten over the sink – Smelling like a trout – Sand in my teeth – Bloody bandages – Bottle of vodka. Yeah, baby!
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