- Having a vasectomy at 75 is like cutting off your arms just in case you get the urge to go pole vaulting.
- If my dick swelled like my feet do when I drink beer, my wife might just stop bitching.
- Twitter would be less degrading to men if women stuck to vagina jokes, and men stuck to vagina jokes.
- This Valentine’s, treat her nice even though she has come home stoned with a gang tattoo on her left boob. It will help with the dishes.
- Today is Darwin Day. I’m not sure how to celebrate it… Kick the dog or push a stoned teenager in front of an oncoming bus?
- Every time you barfed sushi, a Toyota lost its breaks.
- My bucket list: #1. Avoid prison shower rape. #2. Having a goat or an Olsen twin sacrificed in my honour. #3. Being lost in a brewery.
- IN! ooops – ooowt – iiin – out – in – out – in – think of ponies being napalmed… inoutin… apologize and go to sleep. That’s how I roll.
- Valentine’s Day Tip: Only propose to her if she’s a filthy-rich-sexual-deviant-sword-swallowing-contortionist-nymphomaniac who does laundry.
- Real-life romance novel: She fell asleep with a long hissing fart. He smiled, reached for the TV remote… and ate some more chicken wings.
- I would love to one day find something useful in one those chocolate Kinder Eggs, like a foldout fake beard made out of real beards.
- For Valentine’s Day, I hope to get a Swedish massage, or a massage by a nubile and desperate Swedish hooker, or some beef jerky.
- By some people’s estimates, it is now possible to cut a perfect 42 oz. slab of prime rib out of Carrot Top.
- Last night, I dreamt I ran Lady Gaga’s wigs in the washing machine. She sat in a corner, sobbing, with our cat duct-taped to her head… Hm.
- Aquarium fish instinctually do not defecate during a feeding frenzy, as to not risk miss-chewing anything. Taco Bell lunch crowds do not.
- I had a shower this morning, cursing stuck up bitches… and then discovering pieces of pickled herring in the folds of my man-boobs.
- Oysters are an aphrodisiac? Eaten over the sink – Smelling like a trout – Sand in my teeth – Bloody bandages – Bottle of vodka. Yeah, baby!
