2010 – February 14 (I had started lactating)

  • I just freaked out like crazy, thinking I had started lactating. After squeezing my man-boobs, I realized it was my beer hat leaking. Phew!
  • If gay guys fuck while watching the Sports News, they really should add that tidbit to the plus column in the “being gay” promo pamphlet.
  • “Roses are red, violets are blue, something green… Shave your legs, pits and chin, and get naked.” Poetry: It’s the thought that counts.
  • The older I get, the more women mystify me… What’s not romantic about Green Apple Breeze Lysol spray? It’s green apples for fuck’s sake!
  • The first rule of Bridge Club: You do not talk about playing cards with your mother-in-law and her friends on Thursday nights.
  • Update! So far Valentine’s Day sucks ass like Elton John.
  • I stayed up all night, waiting for a hooker to come down the chimney – nothing. Oh, Saint Valentine, what have I done to deserve this?
  • ‘Love’ doesn’t quite cover it… It’s more like frothy, animalistic lust when I go down on a pecan pie.
  • Bang for the buck: Killing all your in-laws with one hand grenade…
  • Twitter is confusing… Is anybody reading my tweets or am I just sitting here, drunk, posting shit that nobody reads – like on Facebook?
  • Hara-kiri would be so much more rewarding if you could do it to ignorant Best Buy employees.
  • My dream is to one day have more followers than skin tags. Is that really too much to ask for? I don’t think so.
  • I have been really down on my luck recently… Life can be such a rotten crotch sometimes.
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