2010 – February 15 (Wanting to be my friend)

  • Best part about Facebook? All these people wanting to be my friend, and I just ignore them because I forgot my password 5 years ago.
  • I enjoy meeting new people, especially when they are fresh out of the birth canal and haven’t started asking for shit.
  • It’s still technically Valentine’s goodness. Therefore, please, a moment of silence for Tiger Woods while he flushes his used condoms.
  • Hello? Anybody here? If you are getting laid right now – just text: brbmonday.
  • Twitter is so quiet! It’s as if everyone is spooning or something. Is this normal? Sorry to ask but this is my first guilt sex night here.
  • The line, “Can I try puttying your San Andreas fault line” does’t work at 2am, the day after Valentine’s. That’s why I’m still on Twitter.
  • Will not follow back if all your tweets are retweets of your spam account. Just come to my house and will put an ice pick through your head.
  • Do you know what would be really cool? Abba getting together again and showing gangstas, pimps and hoes how to really bling it out.
  • I don’t know about you, but I’m more excited about my 4-year-old drinking prune juice than watching cross-country skiing tomorrow.
  • I need 4,526,812 more followers… Follow me – I will follow back, unless you are into MLM, SEO, motivational crap, or fellating wildlife.
  • I don’t care if Ellen DeGeneres is gay – I could still make her giggle like a schoolgirl if I accidentally sat down on my nutsack.
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