2010 – February 19 (Snorting ground chicken)

  • Have you ever tried snorting ground chicken? It’s a freaking interesting buzz!
  • Loving: Behind a locked door when the kids are comatose. Fucking: In a dumpster with a severed foot.
  • I just learned that catnip is toxic and if exposed to large amounts, it might cause vomiting and diarrhea. Thank God, it’s not the glue!
  • In man-speech, “I love you” simply means, “I’m horny!” or “Thanks!”
  • Women don’t get the allure… To a man, a stripper is not a stripper. She is potentially a slutty girlfriend with beer money in her thong.
  • Mouthwash will do only so much to fool your wife when you have cigarette burns on your penis.
  • Going to Vancouver to watch the Olympics is like going deep-sea fishing because you want a tuna sandwich.
  • The only way Tiger Woods could have made it any worse, would have been to end the press conference my stomping on a kitten.
  • I slipped a finger in to my ass and to my surprise it stopped snowing. I figure God got distracted. Have to try that when shoplifting!
  • Tiger Woods would have been more believable if he had blamed it all on a third testicle.
  • Tiger Woods’ press conference was a poorly executed stilted script, quite similar to Battlefield Earth. An embarrassing performance…
  • Tip! Never bring along a lobster dinner, crack cocaine and a tomahawk when going out on a date with NBC’s Perverted Justice.
  • When walking up to the aquarium, I can swear I hear: Ok, gang, look colourful and swim in circles!
  • The cashew is a seed of the cashew apple – and some people still buy David Hasselhoff posters for their bedrooms. You are so very welcome!
  • ‘Delete’ is a horrible spell-checker. My appologaijses.. Fnuck!
  • There is nothing more frightening than petting a 200 lbs. cougar, even though she is chained to the wall and drunk on Appletinis.
  • I just licked my eyebrows. They tasted like bacon. Perhaps I have caught the Olympic spirit?
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