- Sex Ed: Intercourse and masturbation feels quite different, unless your partner has a vagina-shaped hand, which she shakes around violently.
- Right now, in this instant, I would let you nail me to a cross for a spicy bean burrito and a cold beer. Hm, perhaps that’s what Jesus said?
- Chicken: It’s illegal to fuck one, unless you first kill it and put it in a deep fryer.
- How to compliment your boyfriend: Your penis is as hard and smooth as the one on The Statue of David – only bigger and more erect!
- Man-rule #1: Signs and other written instructions will be ignored, unless they include the word ‘girls’ in blinking neon.
- Champagne and Dijon mustard enemas… The difference is not only in the cost.
- Sometimes I get up on my daughter’s Wii Fit balance board just to check how many more beers I need in me.
- Dating tip: Show off your knowledge of animals (Good). Show off your pitching arm by throwing rocks at chimpanzees (Bad).
