2010 – February 23 (She shakes around violently)

  • Sex Ed: Intercourse and masturbation feels quite different, unless your partner has a vagina-shaped hand, which she shakes around violently.
  • Right now, in this instant, I would let you nail me to a cross for a spicy bean burrito and a cold beer. Hm, perhaps that’s what Jesus said?
  • Chicken: It’s illegal to fuck one, unless you first kill it and put it in a deep fryer.
  • How to compliment your boyfriend: Your penis is as hard and smooth as the one on The Statue of David – only bigger and more erect!
  • Man-rule #1: Signs and other written instructions will be ignored, unless they include the word ‘girls’ in blinking neon.
  • Champagne and Dijon mustard enemas… The difference is not only in the cost.
  • Sometimes I get up on my daughter’s Wii Fit balance board just to check how many more beers I need in me.
  • Dating tip: Show off your knowledge of animals (Good). Show off your pitching arm by throwing rocks at chimpanzees (Bad).
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