- Safe words used by Chuck Norris: “Is-that-all-you-got-bitch?”
- Odds are that at least one of the women I ignored when I was single had a dad that owned a brewery. That makes me sad.
- Confession: I once dreamt I was a bowling pin smoked by Angelina Jolie.
- Sexy time tonight! I’m about to start hanging pots, pans and empty beer bottles from the bed frame in an attempt to keep her awake.
- She is not technically a ‘girlfriend’ if she carries a coin-operated condom dispenser in her purse.
- I do great at poker because I only project agony! My secret? I place a tight elastic band around my balls. Shhh… Don’t tell anyone!
- Afraid to sleep! I have this reoccurring nightmare where I have a steak duct-taped to the side of my head and Oprah Winfrey is chasing me.
- “It’s like there is a lunar eclipse every time you drop your pants!” Even friendly pointers like that put me on the couch downstairs.
- Looking for a mistress – have letters from my mother, co-workers, ex-girlfriends and ex-wives attesting that I’m not a total nutjob. Ladies?
