- Seeing hyenas go at it on Animal Planet, reminded me how much it hurt when I lost my virginity because my girlfriend was also a face-biter.
- Whenever I spend more than 20 minutes in the shower, there is always more than tears washing down the drain.
- I have a horrible time making friends, so I’m planning to tell all the guys down at the pub that my mom poses for different MILF sites.
- The secret to Donald Trump’s funky hairdo? Yes, spit! Employee spit…
- Ok, so I love showers… soap… shampoo… When my wife wants nasty sex, I have to first rub myself all over with an old gym bag.
- I spent almost an hour reading @ConanOBrien tweets before I noticed the hot bitch in his avatar. God, I want to eat the scabs off her back!
- WPTZ just reported: “The big story is the wind…” Plattsburgh, NY – they don’t have Killer Whales.
- Questions I always need to ask when picking up my son after kindergarten classes: (1) Had fun? (2) Scratches? (3) Bite marks?
- The lovely @sha_suga gives me a follow mention just as I was about to delete it all and instead start tweeting about Justin Bieber. Thanks!
- Women worry too much… Having tits and a vagina cancels out unibrows, baldness and involuntary bowel movements.
- Examining the male audience at the figure skating events, I noticed that their ‘face painting’ consisted mainly of eyeliner and mascara.
- In her sleep, my wife often sucks on her pillow and calls it Matt Damon. When she’s at work, I rub my balls all over it. That’s how I roll.
- A Killer Whale gets out of the water and kills a trainer… Dick Cheney survives a 5 th. heart attack… God has strange priorities.
- I could totally do the shitting-in-the-woods-wiccan-thing if they served hot chocolate and fresh blueberry muffins afterwards.
- Him: “afraid to mess it up…”, “scaring me…”, “fearful of commitment…” Translation: He just wants to be your fuck buddy.
- Lavalife translation job: “I’m not really in to…” translates to: “I’m obsessive (pathologically so) about…”
- I hate it when strangers smile, slap my ass, and call me rabble-rouser, especially when I crash funerals and kids’ birthday parties.
- Metrosexual: You match socks to your underwear and nail polish. Like me: You only own black socks, white boxers and you bite your nails.
- I don’t trust people who have full-sleeve tattoos, which depict all kinds of cute fairy tale creatures.
