2010 – Janury 30 (Beer and a tube of Astroglide)

  • I’m off to bed with a 5 lbs. smoked brisket, a case of beer and a tube of Astroglide. Yes, I will be watching Apple commercials all night!
  • Do you know what makes life really worth living? Cake and unicorn tablecloths… children laughing… shooting a clown with a nail gun.
  • It would be so much easier to recognize and hit on sexy and desperate housewives at the grocery store, if they all had face tattoos.
  • I wish I owned some cool boxers so that my balls wouldn’t stick to the insides of my thighs.
  • It’s a perfect day here in Montreal! The air is crisp, sun is bright in the clear blue sky, and I haven’t spent a red cent on an Apple iPad.
  • The best part about bowling is the beer. The worst part is the anxiety of putting on warm shoes recently worn by a stranger. I love beer.
  • Now our neighbour is complaining again… If it’s not the kids making a racket, it’s me emptying the outhouse in to their backyard.
  • On now! CNN is having a press conference where they are denying rumours that Larry King is a 200-year-old syphilitic hobbit.
  • I had a shower this morning and at least now, the hobo down at the bus top says I smell “nice-ish”.
  • Tip! You can attract a mermaid by rubbing yourself all over with a smoked mackerel and then swim around, barking like a wounded seal pup.
  • I’m thinking about opening a museum of disgusting crap hidden in women’s couches by disgruntled ex-boyfriends.
  • Philematology – The science of kissing. Bestiality – not a science.
  • I’m in favour of anything that involves Wall Street bankers and lighter fluid.
  • Fact: The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long. It’s not clear if he drove a tank and bechpressed baby elephants.
  • In the US, men in their 30s prefer a woman 5 years younger – in their 50s, 10-20 years younger. I prefer a woman who takes out the garbage.
  • My new lederhosen are chafing my thighs something awful.
  • Tip when eating greasy Egg McMuffins in the morning: Wipe, even though seemingly unnecessary. The stall has toilet paper for a reason!
  • Twitter SEO or MLM spammers – listen up! Don’t bother following me, unless your avatar features tits.
  • I would love to have been part of Avatar in some way, even as the caterer, or the guy that wet-nurses actors’ pets on set.
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