A hopeless romantic is someone who accidentally makes the bed squeak too much before the kids are sound asleep, right?
- Pandora’s box contained all the evils of the word because ouzo made it impossible to keep her legs closed. – Zeus Beerhaze
- Roses are grey, Violets are grey but I have boner, yes, I bought Viagra from the guy down at the corner.
- Girlfriend: She steals your heart… Not a girlfriend: She steals your wallet and a kidney before discreetly exiting your hotel room…
- I love cleaning the garage with the kids because their nimble bodies easily squeeze in to tight places where rusty nails are hiding.
- That last scrumptious bite of my Sausage Egg McMuffin would not now sit in dog hair on the floor if I have had double D’s.
- There’s nothing I hate more than misspelled tattoos… Except perhaps face tattoos, prison tattoos and stepping in cat shit.
- Good morning! I’m feeling good. Tip: Guys, it doesn’t matter which one of the ‘Yours and Mine K-Y’ couples’ lubricants go in the hand.