- “Madame, if I may say, your areolas sweating through that 100% polyester blouse makes my tulip sprout.” Yeah, too old-fashioned, right?
- Coaching my son’s soccer team, I thought moms would be all over me – no! They are always, “The popsicles are for after the game.” Bitches.
- I saw prairie dogs going at it on Animal Planet. First though: Why are they so damned jittery? Two: I wonder how Lindsay Lohan is doing?
- Working from home is not bad but I miss the office romances (or “hiding in the stalls of the women’s washrooms” as HR called it).
- Uterus? Labia? Fallopian Tubes? Perineum? Cliwhatever? Well, yeah, even a new kitchen faucet comes with a five-page manual.
- Have you ever woken up after a night out and noticed you have a spray tan on your ass only? I know… That can’t be good, can it?
- TV PSA: “Do you know where your kids are?” Heck, I have no idea… I’m so drunk I don’t even know whose car I drove home.
- I feel cheated when someone I follow changes their avi from boobs to an eyeball or Brad Pitt’s beard. Sometimes I even lose my erection.
