- I wonder what Kim Kardashian isn’t eating tonight? I bet if you slapped her ass, her spine would make the sound of falling dominoes.
- Your full sleeve tattoo won’t impress me if I have seen a similar design on a Kleenex® tissue box.
- I keep writing, “Thanks for the blowjob!” on my checks. LOLJK! I My wife doesn’t allow me to have checks anymore. I write it on napkins.
- Admit it! If you saw an iced tea that said, ‘Orangutan flavored’, you would buy it in a nano-second. Well, at least once…
- Things wives rarely say: “Sorry, it’s PMS and I’m being irrational… Yes, have the guys over for poker while I go out and scream at trees.”
- Each morning I sell a piece of my soul to Satan for a surprise leftover beer in the fridge. Nothing! Yes, think I’m officially out of soul.
- It is easier to spread lies than to help people grow using nuggets of wisdom concerning your mom, bacon and Nickelback. – Dalai Beerhaze
