- It’s less than four hours to Father’s Day on the east coast of Canada – set your mom free! Let her run. Make sure she understands it’s BYOB.
- The future Queen of Sweden got married today and just like that, my balls sagged another inch. She got away… Any other queens out there?
- Ok, it wasn’t The Mothman at the door… However, stab a troubadour. Bucket list #17 ☑
- The doorbell rang. I’ll be back in a bit unless it’s The Mothman.
- Plans for the night: Going to grind it up at a salsa club. Kidding! Getting drunk in the basement because the carpet is padded down there.
- Cashier: “Any reason why you are returning this paper?” Me: “Yes, it sucks donkey balls. I can show you by drawing a picture?”
- You know you are getting the good stuff when the pharmacist says, “You are clearly not a burn victim, so, enjoy!”
- Dear Mr. Weather man, don’t grin like an imbecile when delivering bad news about the kid’s trip to the water park. You’re not helping!
- I finally decided what I want for Father’s Day but my wife says she can’t bend that way. Well, I think there’s a wine box for that, eh?
- Lord have mercy! I had so many Guinness last night that my urine smells like Budweiser. I’m also completely out of beer. Wait a minute…
- I swear to God, say, ‘tomfoolery’ again, and I will hunt you down and call you out on your shenanigans. It’s the Canadian way!
