- I no longer feel ashamed seeing my shrink for being an obsessive masturbator and for burning down a sawmill. Thanks Twitter!
- My 5-year-old’s soccer team: 4 love soccer, 1 is into sticks, 3 adore pine cones, 2 are afraid of dark grass, 5 enjoy hugging waaay to much.
- The closest thing we have to a Hooters® in Montreal is the guy who’s fries all the bacon at our local 24/7 breakfast joint.
- People have been shouting “Tip her! Tip her!” for over a year. Not even Al Gore could take that.
- Betty White is a cougar no more! No, she’s not dead – just struggling to find a classy way of tweeting that she’s hotter than Lindsay Lohan.
- Remember when you were a teen, went horseback riding, and then washed the stallion real-good with warm soapy water? Yeah… Good times.
- Dear hairdresser lady, it hurts my feelings when you refer to me as Mr. Horse Cock. Honestly, I wash it every day.
- Last night I put the foot down and refused to sleep on the wet spot! Related: Who wants to adopt a 5-year-old with weak bladder control?
- I spent the day for a cause (ungrateful bastards). Really, Jesus must have been a saint, or he didn’t have anything better to do (Web porn).
