- My penis always twitches when playing Mickey Mouse games online and he says, “Paint her face pinnnk!” and “Ooops, that’s not righhht!”
- Haiku “Boredom #2″: Zippo December: / burning the lint off my socks — / power outage fun.
- It’s all fun and games until you burn the tip of your penis in an Easy-Bake oven.
- Confessions: It was during the Little House on the Prairie heydays I started exploring other uses for my penis – perfected to Falcon Crest.
- Through history, English teachers are the reason for 5,343,430,983,321 ejaculations. Math teachers: 7.
- It would make my wife very happy if Viagra also cured flatulence and got rid oversized liver spots.
- Haiku “Boredom #1″: Pencils on my desk… / One pencil in my eyeball — / cannot see the spring rain.
- Men don’t go deaf, they devlop a selective hearing: Mmumm smdm thd money hhd sdkff fsssdeed dent on the car dsdfkks mmas pma horny.
- Things you should not bring up on a first date: (1) Necrophilia. (2) Golden Showers. (3) Felching (4) Beastiality. (5) Marriage.
- “I shhhneach cha chooohoko noala kaka kekiinhshae wooonicha mammoiy Ihadaaa Kurt killedaaaa.” – Courtney Love.
- Hosting a birthday party for 5-year-olds is more work than herding a bunch of stoned hobbits in to Mount Doom.
- Tip! Avoid using the word ‘fat’ in personal ads. Instead use, ‘Non-gazelle-like’, ‘Angelina Jolie plus-plus-type’ or ‘Great sense of humor.’
- Still a new boyfriend: He uses the words ‘charming’, ‘character’, ‘special’ when describing your mother… even when she isn’t sedated.
- I promise to be discreet if you look like Nicole Kidman before she turned in to a bag of bones.
- Major clue that your penis is not big enough: She “ohhhs…” and “ahhhs…” but never misses a stitch in her needle point.
- Karl Ernst von Baler, Russia, Naturalist (discovered human ovum)… Same non-birthday as me – Feb 29. Follow me or have your ovum checked!
