2010 – March 15 (Have changed thousands of diapers)

  • I have changed thousands of diapers. So, when someone says, “This beer tastes like piss!” I can with great certainty confirm… or not.
  • Dogs eat dead squirrels, feces and garbage. Dogs lick other dogs that eat dead squirrels, feces and garbage… Kisses that keep on giving.
  • 180-degree displacement tactic: Sleep with your head at the bed’s footboard, and snore away.
  • Twin sisters working together in order to get laid must surely be as quick and painless as two lionesses hunting in a Shih Tzu kennel?
  • What does “unsigned rapper” mean anyway? Wouldn’t it be more down to earth to say ” currently working at McDonald’s”?
  • What’s going on? I thought Myspace was for unsigned rappers?
  • K-tel’s Mini Pop Kids 6 is out… Boom Boom Pow is on it – sweeet! Nothing like hip hop by a pre-pubescent kid to get the party started.
  • You can easily trick guys and make your breasts appear bigger by always wearing 14-foot stilts.
  • The colour fuchsia is merely a figment of your imagination.
  • I don’t know about St. Patrick’s Day… Talking to people with vomit on their shoes is only interesting for so long.
  • If I could, I would shrink everyone on the planet to make food resources go further, and so that I could make some annoying people maracas.
  • Unrelated: Does anyone know how to get the cork back in to a bottle of Cristal Brut 1990?
  • So, sorry, another false alarm… (Enjoy FOX @ConanOBrien – it’s almost like a real TV network).
  • RIP Dick Cheney January 30, 1941 – March 15, 2010. I loved your hair!
  • I love Twitter! You mention ‘fart’ or ‘vagina’ and someone will retweet you. Ok, it’s often bots… but they still make me feel special.
  • Google pulling out of China is like a ban on illegally imported beef flavoured shampoo that can double as a stain remover – not a surprise.
  • Fuck Cialis! I have been lying on my back, on the downstairs coach, for over four hours, trying to go to sleep.
  • “Never put off until tomorrow what you can guilt your wife in to doing right now.” – Beerhaze
  • I don’t understand why people are ragging on Brad Pitt and his vagina beard – I think it’s pretty, and well-groomed.
  • von Beerhaze is actually my family name. Yes, I got lucky with that one! I prefer it to redneck names, such as Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld.
  • There are 6840 hours until Christmas and we are already out of eggnog.
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