2010 – March 17 (Nothing ruins the moment)

  • Ladies, nothing ruins the moment quicker than calling an erection ‘cute’, ‘nifty’ or ‘dinky’. Especially, ‘dinky’…
  • Dried up chicken in tinfoil on the kitchen counter. Son: “Can I play with it?” Me: ” Wh… What? Okay! But don’t talk about it in school.”
  • You get more attention from tweet stealers by writing something about ‘her vagina’ than ‘my syphilis’.
  • I volunteered for my son’s Kindergarten field trip to a sugar shack, on Friday. I love maple syrup myself, so it should be pretty sweet.
  • Going to a St.Patrick’s Day party without my wife tonight. With some luck, I will meet an Irish lass to coerce the snake out of my pants.
  • Ah, it finally occurred to me to Google ‘smoking sex’, and apparently, it has nothing to do with bean burritos at all!
  • Heaven: You wife visiting her mother for a week. Hell: You are both visiting her mother for a week, and both of them have PMS.
  • Last night, on Animal Planet, I learned that mountain gorillas go crazy if you shave their balls. Pen it down; it might save your life!
  • Using only farts, I can easily express joy, anger, and even surprise… The checkout girl at the store didn’t get my “Thank You!” though.
  • When Irish eyes are smiling, first check your fly, and then shoes for vomit, THEN smile back.
  • You know you are drunk when you go to pinch Oprah’s ass and miss.
  • Irish pub etiquette when someone throws up… (Correct) Yelling “Guinness incident!” (Wrong) Yelling “Irish bukkake!”
  • I have been celebrating St. Patrick’s Day so long now that I even smell like a leprechaun.
  • Get your wife in the mood: Alcohol, drugs, gifts, flattery or guilt. Alternatively, all of the preceding, for really nasty (lights on) sex.
  • It’s Wednesday morning and I need to my rounds and squish loafs of breed, and crush bags of chips in your grocery store. You are welcome!
  • You know your marriage is in trouble when he can only get an erection when he’s 100% sure you will be getting naked – on another continent.
  • Mean streets? The half-eaten pretzel littered streets of New York City is more like it.
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