2010 – March 18 (Gold stars I dreamt of)

  • If I had a vagina and a sense of humour, I could get those gold stars I dreamt of when sitting in ‘scab whore’s’ detention in first grade.
  • After history lessons in elementary school: “Daddy, if Japan bombs China again, we’ll get no more stuff!” Me: “I know, baby girl, I know…”
  • Paralympics… Japan beats Canada in sledge hockey 3-1! Saw the game – not a “skills” issue. Simply, the Japanese don’t know St. Patrick…
  • Jesse James, you dumb schmuck! You would have gotten less grief for playing biker polo using puppies, than cheating on Sandra Bullock.
  • I find it extremely insulting when my dog immediately goes back to his balls after eating one of my homemade biscuits.
  • When visiting Asia, it’s not always a manic, cultural dance, you are seeing. Sadly, it’s often just syphilis shared by a German sex tourist.
  • Not sure if Tiger wrote “f**king” in his texts, or if TMZ self-censored. All things considering, I hope it was TMZ, or meds are needed.
  • Some of Tiger’s text messages were published. Most romantic: “You are my f**king whore. Hold you down while I choke you.” Nice spelling too!
  • Yes, the market for a Rottweiler-Chihuahua mix will be limited. However, if you catch the mating on tape, FOX will pay mint for it.
  • In bed, playing master and servant always beats New Zealand sheep farmers.
  • Tip! How to get a rock the size of a plum on your finger: Have a slutty friend over and make all his football games double-headers.
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