2010 – March 19 (Dog gets up on the bed)

  • I argue that if the dog gets up on the bed and licks your toes while you are having sex, it should at least count as a twoandahalfsome.
  • I throw parties… wild parties! Once, I even had Barbara Walters take a dump in my pool. What, she craps in all pools? Still… parteee!
  • You go shopping for towels and bed linens… He watches skip roping on ESPN – both of you win.
  • My plan for the rest of this day: Shower, power nap, chill some Belgian beer, BBQ some wings, not get laid, and make some Wasabi popcorn.
  • Saving my Jennifer Aniston tweets until she buys her first baby, and is Trending.
  • A couple of pounds of Vaseline keeps my wife going for weeks, especially when smeared over couches and curtains.
  • Margarine is for people that want to live a life of prostitution and debauchery. That’s all I have to say. Good night!
  • Pre-kids, I never woke up with crayons up my nose… Post-kids, I never woke up cold, lonely, and sobbing, in a Wal-Mart parking lot…
  • To make the next St. Patrick’s Day even more tweet worthy – let us all smuggle snakes in to Ireland.
  • ‘Love’ and ‘Magic’ hasn’t been used as a rational explanation for anything since the burning of witches in the 1600′s…
  • Really, I’m not here for gold stars, I just love showing my wife that there are lovable people out there who are crazier than I am.
  • Kidding! I’m fine with the stars I have received so far – thank you! Once I need to have them tattooed on the other butt cheek: pictures!
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