2010 – March 2 (Totally random thoughts)

  • Totally random thoughts: ‘Analy repugnant’, ‘Colostomy bag’, ‘Bat droppings’, ‘Justin Bieber’ and ‘Volcanic diarrhea’.
  • Nothing drives my wife up the wall more than when I move her trampoline.
  • SC Tip #3: Saying, “Thanks, but no thanks!” and blaming an allergy is more polite than yelling “Skid-mark alert!” to a stripper.
  • SC Tip #2: Never call a stripper, “Hoe”, “Bitch” or “Slut” unless of course, it actually happens to be her name.
  • SC Tip #1: You never need to tip a stripper after a lap dance, unless she also shares her roast beef sandwich with you.
  • You get even better prescription drugs if you pretend to talk to spiders. Just saying…
  • Hey, Tanya, I still don’t eat the “spirits” of animals. I eat their flesh! Animal spirits taste like shit.
  • My third girlfriend broke up with me when she figured out that I wasn’t a “complete vegetarian”… but a “complete asshole”.
  • Fact: Sexually frustrated men often forget to zip up their pants. Theory: Those who help themselves often wear stained sweat pants.
  • Do you know what mystifies me? Men who have sex with inanimate objects; bicycles and hockey memorabilia! Ok, scratch that! Bicycles…
  • Skydiving was exhilarating and dangerous in 1782… In 2010, it’s merely a way for any given grandma to get from point A to point B.
  • Tip! Hug her before going into a restaurant; look her in the eye and say, “That was nice and squishy!” It will lower the food tab.
  • You know you are visiting a bad strip club when their main attraction is, ‘The nice lady who lives in the trailer next to the dog pound.’
  • Looking at the goofy faces our neighbour was making, he was either being exorcised or an overzealous woman was giving him a blowjob.
  • All I asked the bitch next door was, “Can my kids play at your house while I clean our meth lab?” and she starts squealing and squealing.
  • PMS’ing wife + Calling her mother a milky-faced witch = Hello, coach downstairs!
  • ‘Virgin, millionaire, huge estate, Spanish villa, Ferraris, powerboat – looking for a man with a small penis.’ Post it and crash eHarmony!
  • Seeing lambs, doves or toads on the way to church (Good luck). Seeing the bride’s mother mauled by rabid badgers (Amazing luck).
  • Haiku “Boredom #3″: Dangling morning balls — / a tempting target for a / Pit Bull Terrier.
  • “I have only been arrested once for forcefully milking a hedgehog at a Starbucks.” Note to self: Job interviewers are humourless bastards.
  • The worst possible news a wife can deliver: “My parents are coming to stay with us for week because Ebola is ravaging their village.”
  • Canada is unstoppable right now… I bet that if our prime minister mated with a toque, it would give birth to a seal pup.
  • You know you are watching a b-production reality show when the special reward is not a new car but a Celine Dion CD and t-shirt.
  • Secret me: When I get bored, I go to different banks and lick those courtesy ballpoint pens.
  • The most important thing I have learned in my marriage is that my wife loves it when I pretend to listen and care.
  • According to some New Age dietists, only free-range chickens, which have choked on crystals, are safe to eat.
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