2010 – March 20 (I think I’m possessed by demons)

  • Telling my wife “I think I’m possessed by demons” would be so much easier than “I just shit myself because of Belgian monastery beer”.
  • This prison rape thing is confusing to me: Are you supposed to make a sign when you are ready? How do you get in to the women’s showers?
  • The CFL is better than the NFL, because Canadian cheerleaders provide lap dances in their trailer parks after the game.
  • After crunching the numbers, it’s clear that less thongs were held together with duct tape and barbed wire a decade ago.
  • @ConanOBrien, your Bieber tweets are so 0:35 ET… Post a picture of JB licking your back or stop! That pony was beaten to death eons ago.
  • When I buy you a drink at the bar, I don’t expect sex… I’m married! However, a sympathy flashing of boobs is always appreciated.
  • TYUFGHJVBN <- That’s the damage the top of my penis does to a computer keyboard. Tapping it on an iPhone makes it reset to factory settings.
  • Only a real man dares take off his football helmet before bringing a face-biting woman to an orgasm. Yes, Seal is all man…
  • I hate it when I wake up screaming about nasty zombie sex, especially at ballet recitals.
  • The perfect woman: She has extra joints, which enables her to bend in ungodly ways, making the daily make up sex out of this world.
  • Show her how to eat shark fin soup without dribbling down the chin. (Good) Show her how you can fit eight bread rolls in your mouth. (Bad)
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