- I could not survive without women! They smell nice, feel soft and taste good, especially after a Kansas City spice rub and a 225F smoker.
- 90s dating was easier: (1) Take her line dancing. (2) Drug her. (3) Good times! Now it’s all about Wi-Fi hotspots and Twitter, and shit.
- It’s either going out in the cold for Preparation H or eat another steak in an attempt to grow my fingernails by early morning. Ok, steak!
- Fact: Women who call themselves sluts, are not normally sluts… They are more often skanks or hoes, or worse – “just friends”.
- USAF: When attacking the Taliban with helicopters, do the Apocalypse Now thing, but instead of Wagner, confuse them with German Fetish porn!
- Stop! Every time you masturbate – one of my sheep die! Yes, the Lord is my shepherd and he is very easily distracted.
- Oh, how far she has fallen… It’s now cheaper to hire Lindsay Lohan to be a piñata at kid’s birthday parties than to buy one at Wal-Mart.
- I was taken and anal probed by aliens last night, and it was not an experiment, as I remember scented candles and Luther Vandross music.
