- My plans for Earth Hour: Lights off, TVs off, clothes off, and a good time on the polar bear pelt in front of the fireplace.
- I forgot all about #bitterhungoverunfollowsaturdaymorning… It’s ok, there is always next week.
- I have to say, I haven’t been this drunk since yesterday. Look, fried chicken!
- Dear neighbour, when drunk, I’m groping your wife or taking a dump on your lawn – live with it, I was here first.
- It’s even harder to buy a bra that my wife enjoys on me!
- Right now: CNN is reporting that flavour of the day teen idol, Justin Bieber, causes syphilis of the brain in overly hormonal children.
- Saw a clip of Pamela Anderson on Dancing with the Stars – not impressed! Each year her double-Ds look more and more like Heffalumps.
- Nothing worse than fixing the spelling on a Tweet that nobody will read in first place. I feel so Bieber-ish.
- First Tiger Woods, and now Jesse James… Praying that the crazy cat lady on the bus will keep my dirty haikus to herself.
- Goofy thing: If Prince Charles cheated on Camilla with a face-tattooed slut – people would rejoice and buy commemorative plates and cups.
- “You will get to buy a Harley the day @EvaLongoria licks the sweat off your back!” Eva Longoria-Kenobi – pretty please?
- Just a heads-up: Don’t DM me if your rant contains the words ‘Jesus’, ‘Asshole’ and ‘Unfollow’ – I find that offensive.
- I have to spank myself, and pull my own hair before my nut snake spits its venom… Trading a wife for a lavender-mint hand lotion. Takers?
- You need a wild imagination and the patience of a Dalai Lama when using Twitter DM for sexting, especially when her avatar is Snoopy.
- The average person I meet think I’m Jesus. Only Tweeps know that I beat my wife and kids with a rusty tail pipe from a 1972 Ford Pinto. Win!
