- You know you are good at oral sex when you make her levitate and yell obscenities in ancient Aramaic.
- You know you are dealing with a bad escort service when the driver delivers the hooker in a shopping cart.
- I can understand people calling my farts unselfish, pistachio, lyrical or even elvish… but frightening? No, that doesn’t make any sense.
- Nagy, Swelly, Whiney, Bitchy, Crazy, Weepy and Sweaty – Snow White and the Seven Menopauses…
- I hate those night when I hit the clubs, all jazzed up, to later wake up in an abandoned trailer, wearing only a half-eaten candy necklace.
- Kawauso – Otter. Kamone – Seagull. Kairi – Beaver. Kuomori – Bat. Koneko – Kitten. Yes, the only sushi that starts with the letter ‘K’.
- Great TV: Ally McBeal or No Ally McBeal – pick her out from a herd of other skinny actresses, with the help of a hammer, while blindfolded.
- There are no excuses! You know she is underage when her t-shirt trumpets her undying love for Justin Bieber or chicken McNuggets.
- Had I married the woman of my dreams, she would now be sitting on the couch watching TV with her 7 bleeding eyes, while eating snakes.
- My dog is very intelligent. When a kid falls down an abandoned well, my dog will pretend it didn’t push it down there.
- You know you have been together for a long time, when toenail clippers and band-aids are an intricate part of your love life.
- My wife sometime makes me nibble on a poisonous mushroom because it makes my tongue swell to the size of a 14 oz. Striploin steak.
- I saw my first ever sales rep. for shitty Mastercraft tools at a Canadian Tire. Yes, I kicked him in the fucking nuts for you too.
- McDonald’s play areas have now been re-branded as McUrinals.
- China and Australia is cracking down on Internet porn… Good! About fucking time… Less people cramping my bandwidth.
